Merely A Broken Servant
by insert-unique-username-here
Summary: After Arthur was murdered by Mordred, Merlin was catastrophic...
1. Chapter 1

_He's gone. He's actually gone. If I had kept an eye on Mordred, this never would have happened. It's all my fault. _

"HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID?" I slammed my fist on the floor, not noticing the pain it caused. After the heartbreak I was already feeling, what was a little more suffering on top of that? It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore, not after the battle. Tears stung my eyes as I recalled that fateful day, and I let them glide down my face. What was the point of staying strong? What was the point of anything now? I'd already fulfilled my destiny. The king was dead; I had nothing to do anymore. So why bother? With anything? Someone would just get hurt, that's what people seemed to do around me. My magic wasn't a gift, it was a curse. What was the point of having it in the first place, when Arthur still died?

"I'm sorry Arthur," I whispered between sobs. "I failed you. And now it's my fault that you're dead." My head fell against my knees as the tears became uncontrollable, and I sat in a corner hugging my knees, crying.

"It's okay, Merlin." The tears paused for a moment at Gaius' voice, and he lay a comforting hand on my shoulder. I flinched and turned to face him, tears still stinging my eyes, but my sorrow was now combined with anger.

"NO, IT'S NOT OKAY! DON'T YOU SEE? IT'S MY FAULT THAT ARTHUR'S DEAD. I KNEW MORDRED COULDN'T BE TRUSTED, AND I KNEW WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO. IF I'D JUST STAYED AT ARTHUR'S SIDE INSTEAD OF WANDERING OFF WHEN HE NEEDED ME MOST, HE'D STILL BE ALIVE."

He hook his head and sighed. "Merlin, it wasn't your fault. What happened to Arthur was inevitable, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. Blaming yourself isn't going to bring Arthur back."

"DON'T YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT? I carried Arthur down to Avalon, hoping to save his life, and then watched helplessly as he died in my arms. You don't need to remind me of what has been haunting me for the past few days."

My words trailed off and I rested my head against my knees, unable to continue speaking.

He nodded. "I know it feels bad now, but eventually the pain will disappear. You just have to move on."

"How?" I sobbed. "How can I possibly move on? Arthur was more than just a best friend, he meant a lot more to me. But I never told him how I really felt, and now I'll never be able to."

"I know Merlin, I know."

His words just infuriated me even more, and the added pat on the back didn't help either. "NO, YOU DON'T! NOBODY KNOWS HOW I FEEL. I loved him Gaius, I honestly loved him. I suppose I always knew, but maybe I was afraid to admit it. Anyway, it doesn't matter now because I'm never going to have a chance to tell him."

All those insults, all those times I complained about him being an 'arrogant dollop head', I never meant it. Everything I said was with affection. Everything I did was in the hope that he'd finally realise. But he never did. I sighed, "I miss him Gaius, I miss him so much." He gave me a small smile, and exited the room.

"I love you, Arthur Pendragon." I whispered to no one in particular. "I just wish you knew..."


	2. Chapter 2

Months had passed since the battle. How long exactly I wasn't sure, the days just seemed to blend in to one painfully long blur. I'd left the castle after a few weeks, unable to continue to stay in the place where he had always been. Every corner I turned brought another memory of a healthy, smiling Arthur, and after constantly breaking down and becoming a watery wreck, I realised that the floodgates would never close as long as I stayed in Camelot, being constantly reminded _He used to be here. Now he's not. It's just you now, he's never coming back. _

So I just packed my bags and walked. I walked on and on and on, having no clue what direction I was heading in, or where I would end up. I didn't care where I was going, as long as I was as far away from Camelot as possible. So I just kept walking, stopping only to sleep. My legs were weak and aching, but I didn't care. I'd stopped caring about everything a while ago. By day I plundered through the forest, and when it became too dark to carry on, I attempted to rest. But even in sleep I tortured myself, and I slept fitfully, my dreams full of Arthur's disappointed face. _"I thought you were my friend, Merlin. Why did you let me die? You were supposed to protect me!" _

Even with my brief periods of rest at night, exhaustion started to catch up with me, and I began to hallucinate due to fatigue. Arthur was everywhere. It was always the same thing; pain, betrayal, disappointment. It seemed that no matter how many times I screamed my tear-stained apology, or how often the grief simply swallowed me, he wouldn't leave me alone. He blamed me for his death. I blamed myself for his death. If only I had stayed by his side, instead of leaving when he needed me most. If only...

_I'll never forget you, Arthur Pendragon. I will wait for you. I will wait for the day when you rise again when Albion needs you most, as it was predicted. I don't care how long it takes, I will wait for you. I will wait forever if I have to. _


End file.
